::Fairy On The Moon::

still panda-eyed and tired out.
Its 5.40 am, and i had barely less then 2 hrs of sleep the previous night.
im turning into a zombie soon
Two more weeks to sweet freedom..free from the iron crutches of RAG! Hooray! i can't wait to see the sunlight and blue skies already! No wonder Dracula muz have been a cranky bugger. anyone would be having been indoors for so long..

So what have i been doing for the past 3 months?
1) Learning how to survive on 3 hours of sleep every night
2) learning how to cut straight ( i previously couldn't)
3) learning how to wake up early
4) discovering the simple joys in life ( 15 minute naps, lunch breaks, mee suah soup...the occasional self entertainment)
5) learning that, yes, indeed, i can survive without a comb or a mirror
6) learning that u can sleep ANYWHERE ( on dirty cardboards, on the hard floor, on the cat's blanket)

7) yellow glue makes u high. ( its better then alcohol really)
well.u learn something new everyday.As i can hardly see how these would translate into meaningful life skills, perhaps i would gain further insight unto that in the future..

ok..i havent been ranting or whining for a long time..so here goes
things that have been irritating me

1) I can't stand it when people say " It's not that i want to say ah..but then ah..blah blah blah." Ok. enough already. If u don't wanna say then jolly well don't. The fact that u said it out, means u wanted to say it anyway. Damn.Enough already.

2) Terence Woon T.B . Need i say more? Terence is beyond description. He is an experience.
3) People who act nice, pretend to be kind and are obviously not nice. Ok. i mean, if ure not a nice person, im totally cool with that. Not everyone is naturally nice, sweet and kind. So for goodness sakes, enough of the acting.
If u don't mean to do something, then don't pretend u are gona do it
If u don't wanna give something, then don't say u will
If u don't mean what u say, then. :X
insincerity is the worse thing of all. I rather u not say it then say it just for the SAKE of showing everyone how nice u r, or trying to convince me u r nice. If u don't mean to do something or give something, den i rather u not give at all. ok..this is jus very general yah..im not referring to anyone in general!!!
ok for example: "Eh!!! do u wan this? i do for u la! *saccharine sweet smile*
you: " YAR. i want .. :)
person A: " um ..ok.."

then the person scoots off never to be found again. See what i mean. The expected response from me ws supposed to be " huh..its ok la.." But to deal with such people. u mus shameless say "yah lor yah lor", and watch their reaction. Its annoying.

4) Glue gun burns. I look like some ward 13 runaway. There are several cuts and plasters all over my arm. I look like someone who engages in self-mutilation..i look like i tried to attempt suicide, unsuccessfully quite a few times.This is what happens when u r too tired and fall asleep while holding a glue gun. U get the idea. No?

ok..i haven tot of more stuff tt irritates me ..so this will be all for now. till i think up of me. which wouldn't be hard i guess..haha..

dawn fairy on the moon at 7/28/2004

Tuesday, July 20, 2004

I am not too sure what you want.
If u r sick and tired of my ramblings. Don't read my blog. Don't message me. Don't talk to me
I don't like to be cruel
I don't like to be unkind.
But isn't it time u said words that u meant?

its Hard because, whenever u message me,
u give me false hope
and den i wonder if again there is a chance.
But then, i get thrown down the top of a building, and plunge back into my deep dark chasm
Maybe it would help more if u ignored me,
instead of the occasional smses when u feel like it.
I am trying to forget , but its not exactly easy to do.
Forget because if i think, I am likely to puncture old wounds.
still raw, still bleeding.

ok. to put it simply. It really sucks.
U would message me if u needed something.
U know i would help u.U know it. I can't help myself from wanting to help.
U noe it, so u do it.
And then soon after u disappear like a shadow in the forest, darting around furtively between dank dark trees

don't play hide-and-seek

coz im tired

i don't want to seek anymore see?

im tired
i mean i tried my best. i really did. but how much more can i try? I am already trying this hard.
So i beg, don't put hope in my heart again. Make it easier for me.
let me ignore everything

if u believe im not worthy, its ok. Don' t bother
If u loathe me, why bother forcing urself? u know u wld still think the same about me.
U wld still carry the same thoughts of me.

its funny how something u never noticed before is suddenly magnified in front of ur eyes
Its funny how these things tt never bothered u before, seem glaringly obvious to u
its funny how u r irritated by everything i do. Then if so, why do u even bother telling me u want to try? because the truth is u don't. U can't keep lying to urself. Its even worse for me.

dawn fairy on the moon at 7/20/2004

too tired to blog these days
my life has been taken over by the phenomenom called R-A-G
In case u may be wondering what the heck it is. ..don't bother. Rag is not something that can be explained in mere words. Its an experience. Oh laugh u may, initially i laughed in disbelief, and now i am still laughing is disbelief, but only this time disbelief that i actually believed rag was a slack holiday comm, and i was using my hols wisely!

my frends all tell me im mad.

and i think so too.

dawn fairy on the moon at 7/20/2004

Ever seen a guy that looks like a lizard? "P

dawn fairy on the moon at 7/20/2004

Tuesday, July 13, 2004

..here i am..plodding thru the shadows fruitlessly like an ubiquitous spirit.. :(
bah

..

anyway. updates..not much, coz basically i aint got much life now..apart from like hall and rag
came back for Vcf Camp last week..which was meaningful enough :) I am attempting to make a conscientious effort to read the bible every day, and make serious decisions about going into missions. NOw who wld have thought?

Had chalet at sentosa the previous week..which was..hmm..pretty much uneventful, unless u consider guys getting drunk rollin on the floor and doing a "merlion" in the toilet as eventful.. :P..Absolut Vanilla is awfully deceptive. it sounds sweet and nice..but it actually tastes hot and yucky. to begin with, i never quite liked alcohol anyway :(..

went out that saturday with..you.
was actually very reluctant to go, and i almost considered like not going. hmm. I was scared. to tell u the truth, im dead scared. That if we go out..the same thing that happened previously wld happen again. And im just not willing to deal with that again. Now my wounds are finally healing and now im licking my cuts dry, im not prepared to let u maul them open again. SOme things are best to be left this way forever. It dosent matter what i say anyway, coz those perceptions and biasness..still in ur heart. Its never gonna leave u, coz when u see me, the same thoughts will come back again. and stay. And u know it. You really know it. I had a feeling u were more concerned in getting the books from me to give to ur fren. But thats ok. i gave them up willingly anyway. Don't blame me for having my doubts and suspicions. Im just trying to protect myself. Coz im scared u know? i am scared to even talk to u, coz u will just get annoyed by every single habit of mine, every single little thing i do. Everything. And it hurts me to stay away u know? it really does. Man..u have no idea

i keep trying to reach out, but i can't stretch out all the way or i will fall into a deep bottomless chasm. i keep trying to reach out to you, but u keep pulling away. Then what can i do? Nothing really. I can't do anything but to leave u alone. And LM, says things like that need time. But i see it.the more u pull and deeper i go, and by that time, i won't be strong enough to get up already. So it's best if i leave u alone. And if i don't speak and i don't message, it's not that i don't care. i do. i really do. Which is why i don't speak to u. It's better for u. I sympathize with ur problems and everything, but im not worthy enough for u to approach me. Then u will accuse me of rambling. But im just trying to stop they awkward silences. And since u hate to hear me talk. I will just shut up.

and im really more or less over the issues. I have struggled long with it. But its my battle do u see? it's one i have to deal with and live with. And i don't have the answers now, tho some day i will. But if u keep thinking im still harping on the issues, then its relaly not helping any of us at all. u won't be able to see beneath that. u won't be able to see me as i once was. maybe its unwise that i type all these now..coz im just digging my own grave and nailing the coffin in. The sooner i stop talking. the faster the pain erases..and both of us will be happy
and thats all i wan. for u to be happy.

anywae i have to shut myself up now.
Im rambling again
and if anywae suffers for brain haemorrhage while reading my blog..so be it..i never asked u to read it.. hahaa
it crap..its delusional, to psychotic, its obsessive, it's a contradiction, it's a big paradox, it's perplxing, it's like a labyrinth leading to no where. Thats my Blog. Thats my thoughts, thats the way i write. Thats me. SO take it..and leave it.. :)

dawn fairy on the moon at 7/13/2004

bah..
im in a friggin rotten prison..known as TH. BAh.I will be free in three weeks time! May God give me the strength man! unless i go mad before that, i don't forsee any other problems. Maybe i just need too much freedom..or ill feel claustrophobic. :(

dawn fairy on the moon at 7/13/2004